Have Your Lawyer Hold Your Money

Crime bosses always seem to have plenty of money.  I’m trying to think of one movie or series where the crime boss ran out of money.  Since he has plenty of money he always has the best lawyers.  I’ve been doing this 20 years.  If I’ve ever had a crime boss for a client he was too professional to let me know.

What I do know is that as soon as the Government charges you with a crime that would be an ongoing criminal enterprise, like being a drug dealer, embezzler, forger (think Catch Me If You Can) or all around crime boss, they also immediately, and sometimes before, seize or freeze all your assets.  So, once that happens it is too late to pay for the best lawyers.  Right when you need them finally.  All the fancy cars, houses, weapons, jewelry, etc are worthless (to you, the government agents are loving it all).  They are seized.  And you cannot afford a lawyer to get them back for you. 

So do what any crime boss worthy of the title would do. Plan ahead.  Give your hard earned dollars to your lawyer now.  That’s right.  Hand it over.  Turns out that lawyers have rules and they just need to hold onto that money for you.  Put it in trust.  Keep accounts.  That’s how retainers work.  But do not just give him a retainer.  You know, just enough to get him started on your case when you need him.  Give him the whole kit and caboodle.  Enough to handle your criminal case, and anyone else’s you need to pay for your like your main floozy or your loyal henchmen, and to legally get your property back for you.

Now, there are some rules to giving the lawyer your blood money.  For one, he cannot know it comes from your bakery extortion racket.  Fortunately, he does not really have to check where it came from.  Just tell him your grandma gave it to you.  He does not care.  He will not check and realize she died 18 years ago.  Second, don’t give him $10,000 cash or more.  He has to report $10,000 cash from one person to the IRS.  So give him $9,999.00. Then have your floozy come in and give him her $9,999.00.  And your henchmen and so on.  When the time comes, if you need to, you can pool all that money.

What happens when you’re so slick that you never get busted?  You’re ready to retire to the Bahamas with your snow mansion at Whistler?  Guess what.  That lawyer’s got to give all that cash back to you (and your floozy, etc).  So, what’s the harm Mr. Big Shot?  Some money on layaway for a rainy day vs. getting caught by the Feds with your pants down.  Make the smart move and have a lawyer that can get your girl her sparklies back, and take care of the rest of your loyal people.  After all, you’re a family man right?  So take care of your family and see your lawyer tomorrow.

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